With the little bit of time that I have left, I’ve been trying to fit in things that I need to do and make time to see people that I want to see. I’ve set up a last minute trip to visit some family in Asheville in a week and I’m driving down to Oberlin this weekend because I know I’ll see a lot of friends that I only see a couple of times a year. My days still aren’t to the point where they’re hectic, but it’s starting to get that way fast. Because time is disappearing at an alarming rate, I’ve started to have to decide when I want to make time and when I don’t.
I spoke with my father on the phone yesterday for the second or third time in as many years. I didn’t realize who was on the phone when my mom handed it to me, and was caught quite off guard. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t dislike or like him, really. Instead, I feel like the point where I want to make an effort to have some semblance of a relationship with him has long since passed and I’m just indifferent. I don’t really feel like there’s much to talk about, any conversation feels forced and awkward.
Back to the subject of the phonecall, he’s trying to invite me and my mother to come see a play at a local theater with which he’s involved. Not only do I not have the time, but I’m absolutely uninterested in going. The whole conversation lasted probably 5 minutes and was extremely uncomfortable. He kept trying to suggest times and I kept having conflicts, namely being other people that I have plans to see. I felt slightly guilty that I really don’t have the time, and also that I didn’t really have any desire to make time. I think I’ve just gotten to the point, whether I was leaving or not, where I just don’t have it in my to try and force some semblance of a relationship when I’ve got other people who’ve been in my life and made time continuously over the years. It makes me wonder if I would have been extended an invitation if I wasn’t going anywhere.