Tonight I received what I will consider the first honest compliment since I’ve been here in the Philippines, from a Filipino at any rate. It actually cheered me up a little bit, rather than irritating me like all the not-so-honest compliments I get on a daily basis do.To be white in the Philippines is many things.
To be white is to be rich. To be white is to be beautiful. To be white is to be American. To be white is to be privileged. To be white is to be stared and shouted at by strangers on the street. To be white is to be the authority on all subjects. To be white is to be noticed no matter where you are. To be white is to hear reports or your daily activities from third parties. To be white is to be praised. To be white is desired.
Since I arrived here I have received a multitude of compliments, one as shallow and meaningless as the next. Strangers on the street will fawn over me and tell me how “very beautiful” I am. The teachers at my school will grab me by the hips (or in my supervisor’s case, pat me on the butt/chest) and tell me that I’m “very sexy.” A few weeks ago my host mother from training told me, “When you came here you were so fat, but now you’re sexy.” Meanwhile, the principal at my school (a cadaverous older man that I find to be completely offensive in every way imaginable) tried to tell me that I’m getting fatter, “When you came here your waist was maybe 28, but now- it is expanding, yes?” (even though I’ve actually lost weight and really don’t like the idea that he’s been making any attempt to notice my waist at all). A girl working in a store once told me, “you have a very beautiful complexion.” My first thought was, sweaty, sunburned, freckled and red as I was, “is she blind?”
I’m also an apparent expert at working with non-readers, a musical genius with a beautiful singing voice (even though nobody here has actually heard me sing) and the magician who can fix the computer to work again when it logs off from inactivity.
I’ve talked with other female volunteers about this and they hear the same things. We haven’t managed to come up with a solid answer to why we get so many compliments- yes, they’re because we’re foreigners and amplified because we’re white (a Japanese volunteer I met here had similar experiences and she’s about as Asian as you get). However, it’s the motivation that’s puzzling. Do people compliment so freely because they think it’s what we want to hear (people here have a habit of telling you what they think you want to hear, even if it’s not the truth- very frustrating at times) and are eager to impress/make welcome the “rich foreigner or if it’s because they actually think that. And if it’s because that’s what they actually think, is it purely motivated by the color of one’s skin?
Personally, I’ve found the compliments to be overwhelming, irritating and cause to raise my suspicions about people’s motivations for doing so. To be completely fair, I do not take compliments well and usually find that I’m uncomfortable being complemented by people that I dont know well or at all. I’d say that I have a fairly realistic view of my own looks, and would classify myself as a pretty average, middle of the road type individual; so when someone starts laying it on thick and going on and on about how beautiful I am, it makes me suspicious and wonder what they’re after.
I tried to explain this to on the of the school principals in my district, a friendly woman who insists that I call her “Babes,” when talking about the overabundance of attention that I get here on a daily basis. This was specifically brought on by a boy, maybe 12 or 13, stopping me on the street to tell me, “You are very beautiful,” and trying to explain why it made me uncomfortable. At home, I’ve found that when a stranger comes up to you and tells you how beautiful you are that he’s trying to pick you up and is hoping that flattery is the best route to success. In the manner of pretty much every Filipino to whom I’ve ever tried to explain my frustrations, she tried to explain and excuse the everyday behavior instead of just listening and understanding why I’m sometimes on edge- what I’m usually after when I try to explain or vent.
Anyway, tonight’s compliment was different because it wasn’t really complementing me but rather something that I wear- the stud in my right nostril. The rather quiet young guy who works at the sari-sari store near my house where I buy an occasional coca-cola said, “I like your nose ring, it’s cute.” I suppose one could argue that it wasn’t really a complement for me, but rather for the object- much like when someone says that they like your sweater instead of saying that you look nice in said sweater- but I think that’s why I found it to be sincere. Perhaps he was just trying to be friendly, I don’t know. But I do know that I’ll take this type of friendliness over the empty, general “you’re so beautiful/sexy” that I still hear on a nearly daily basis.
Well, i’ve always thought you were beautiful, though the whole ‘sexy’ thing was quietly killed over the years. Damn friendship.
But on the other hand, I think it is perfectly understandable to be wary of over-complimentary people. It has been, at least in my expiereance the gate-way device of cheats, cons and swindlers (of which most men are at least one of).
But on the other other hand you do have some genuinely nice people who just have an appreciation for aesthetic beauty and are kind enough to share that appreciation.
Eh, i’ve added nothing here- maybe just try saying ‘thank-you’ and move on to other details as though the compliment never happened?
The word “sexy” has a very different connotation here and the difference in meaning does not make it any less uncomfortable when someone uses it. Here, it’s thrown around very lightly- people might describe a small girl as “looking sexy” (which I find appalling, but here it’s quite normal).
Whatever the case is, I believe in reinforcing positive behavior and not negative. When strange men on teh street complement me, I ignore it and keep walking- because acknowledging this is a respons (what they’re after) and is therefore rewarding a negative behavior.
Vanessa is an exceptional photographer and a writer of some distinction – be prepared to laugh, grit your teeth and cry with her. The fact that she is one of the loveliest people I know – inside & out – is just a bonus to her talents.
PSSSST! Debora…..I think you might be biased :)